Any of you guys tried to go to the John lately?
........I mean in down-town Peebles, that is.
Jeez! I mean there I was in Sainsbury’s. I waited for 20 minutes to get in just like all the other good citizens of my adopted Scottish Borders town. Keep 2 meters apart. What’s a meter? I had to look it up. You see we have’t gone metric back in Kansas. And probably never will. Turns out it’s just over a yard. A yard and 3 more inches. OK, I get it. So which way round the car park is the queue suppose to go? I mean last time it was clockwise which makes sense to me. Passing the parent and child and disabled parking places. There’s a footpath there an’all, so there’s someplace to stand. But the other day the queue was counter clock-wise heading off towards the back of Holland & Sherry, and then back through the car park to the entrance. That was crazy! Having to dodge the trucks and cars. ‘Same to you fella!’ I think he was saying there was just one baguette left. Another guy indicated there were just two toilet rolls. Assholes.
So, I get inside. Finally. I start looking for the essentials of flour, soap, hand sanitiser (forget it!). Nothing! Seems like we’ve all become a nation of bread makers with cupboards full of toilet roll and soap in case Armageddon comes along. Which it might just have done. I’m trying to figure out tonight’s menu in the cold meats isle when this overwhelming desire to have a pee comes over me. I mean I can’t control it. My back teeth were floating. I shouldn’t have drunk that extra cup of tea before I headed out. But I couldn’t go home yet! There were too many items on my list I’d been unable to get. A trip to Tesco’s was needed. Yes, that’s it. They have a loo. But will there be a queue to get into the grocery store?
I bought my stuff, got out of Sainsbury’s and drove round quickly. The queue was way around the car park there too! Another 20 minutes? My bladder wouldn’t allow that. So I drove back to the High Street. Toilets on School Brae. Park the car. Then I got all muddled up as to which disposable gloves I should put back on.
Which ones could be contaminated after handling the trolley at Sainsbury’s?
Do I need gloves to hold my dick anyway? It’s not been anywhere I haven’t been.
To be on the safe side, I get out yet another pair of disposable gloves (good job I went to Millers and got some last week).
Ahhhh! The School Brae toilets are closed.
Eastgate. I’ll go to the Eastgate.
Ahhhh! It’s closed too. What’s a guy to do? All the pubs are closed, all the cafes are closed. I can’t go home yet, I’ve got a load of stuff I need to get at Tesco’s.
Tweed Green’s not that far away. Could I…? You bet I could!
It was touch and go for a while, trying to keep out out eye-shot from folks walking the dog. But I did it. There’s one oak tree down there growing a whole load faster now. That’s all I’m saying. And the moral of this story? Don’t expect to find an open toilet in down-town Peebles. Anywhere! Except Tesco. And be ready to queue there for a good 20 minutes. ‘Go’ before you leave the house would be my advice. Jeez!